It’s funny… Somehow tonight, despite everything, I am shockingly happy. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of acting like a victim. I refuse to let anything drag me down. Not any longer. Not this time. And for once it feels like, I don’t have to talk myself into it. I’m not denying anything. I’m just, happy. I plan on staying that way. 

"That hurt more than it should have; now who’s pushing who away"

I’m pushing. And I told you that I would be. You wanted moving on, and I am. I’m taking off the ring that I’ve worn for months. I’m burying all the past, and walking away. I’ll be your friend. But being your friend is not calling you love, or darling, or a chuisle. It’s not wearing a ring that was meant to symbolize our need for each other and our commitment. It’s not getting matching tattoos, that were also meant to be symbols of our love, and our need, and our future. It’s not holding onto what was in the vain hope that things didn’t truly change in a night. It’s not telling myself you’ll come back. Because for once, I can’t sit here and watch somebody walk away, and try to tell myself that they’ll come back. To hold on. For once I have to tell myself that if they needed me, they wouldn’t be walking away. And it’s time for me to walk away too. You left Payton. You can’t walk away, and still have all of me the way you did before. I’ll be your friend. But I won’t be yours. 

Ugh. I wish this wasn’t bugging me so much. Weird thing, I’m not even upset or sad right now. I just feel sort of blank, and annoyingly curious. Like.. Okay, so obviously he loves her. I don’t know if he’s said it yet, but he sure as hell does. No rationally sane thirty six year old man is going to risk going to prison for the rest of his life just to see a girl he’s JUST hooking up with. Sorry but that just ain’t happening xD So, he loves her. And I’m pretty sure she loves him. At the very least has deep feelings for him, but pretty sure the love is reciprocated. So anyways, he obviously cares for her. He wants her to be in his life, likely for quite some time. And she obviously wants to be in his life. She mentioned not wanting to be on her phone all the time anymore, but I’m willing to bet she’s been texting him like crazy. Neither of them has any problem with being co dependent and needing the other. I mean they’re already talking about souls and being connected. She’s been talking to me all the time about how she doesn’t want me to be disappointed, that she doesn’t know how she’ll change in the future, etc.. But I mean the same thing applies to Don. He’s obviously invested and already would be pretty unhappy if they stopped talking or seeing each other. I’m sure that will only continue to grow. Eventually he might want some form of relationship, whether it be open or polyamorous or whatever the hell. Even if they stay like this and don’t put a name on it, is it really any different? What is a relationship? A decision that you want to be in somebody’s life, emotionally intimate, usually with physical intimacy as well. As far as I understand it, they’re already quite emotionally and physically intimate. And obviously they want to be a part of each other’s lives and have frequently hinted as such, even if no real promise has been made in exactly that way. So my question is… What’s the difference between his situation and mine? We both want to be in her life. We both love her. There’s still a chance something will change for both of us. We’ve obviously both made it clear we don’t care if there’s any actual title or label. We just want to be, well, us. As far as I can tell there’s very little difference between the two situations at all, except that Payton and I dated for a while before. So, why is her reaction to me to bury all feelings and push me away, and her reaction to him is completely okay with embracing those feelings? There’s equal chance of fall out or somebody getting hurt in either situation. Why does one of us need to be pushed away? Anyways that’s just kinda on my mind right now.. I guess I’m curious as to why we can’t be the same way, what’s different between the two situations that makes her reaction to me this way, when I’ve made it clear I’d be more than happy with a situation like the one she’s got going on with Don. Hopefully I get to talk to her, and at the very least get some closure, but I guess we’ll see.. Anyways. Back to college. Peace.

I’d just finished writing the post below.. I poured everything I had into it. And then I see all of that, see the confirmation of her developing feelings for him. And all the wind just flies out of my lungs… After the last time she told me she wasn’t really developing feelings for him, I guess I just never took it in to any of considerations… I guess this is life. And we don’t always get the things we want. C’est la vie. Part of me feels kinda betrayed. After all the talks about how we shouldn’t be this codependent, about how needing somebody is bad and the talk about souls is ridiculous, it’s all the things she’s talking about with somebody else a week later. I don’t know.. I just.. God I didn’t even care if she loved multiple people. I didn’t care if she needed more than one person. I didn’t care if she needed time. I didn’t care what it was, I was willing to compromise. She made me happy and that was enough. I just, wanted to be us.. I wish we could just be us, and be okay with that..

You know what Payton? I’m fucking sick of selling myself short and being insecure. I’m tired of my thought process being that I must deserve being left whenever somebody leaves, that I assume something must be wrong with me. That I’m not trying hard enough or saying the right words or doing the right things. I fucking love you. And you don’t get me half way. I can’t bury things. I can’t ignore emotions. It’s not how I work. I want you and I am not going to deny that in any way because I see no point in that. I know what I want. And for the first time Payton… I feel like that girl that you found who wrote a letter to her ex. Because I DO deserve you Payton. I know that because nobody else will ever try as hard for you as I will. Nobody else would give anything like I would. Nobody will ever love you the way that I do. I would be honest with you. I would never lie to you or be unfaithful. I would never abandon you. I would never stop trying to make myself better for you. I’d never stop trying to show you every single day how much I love you. I’m willing to compromise in any way you have ever wanted or needed. Need time? I can do that. Just not ready to settle down yet in your life? Understandable. Want to focus on other things to get your future sorted out? Makes sense. I am willing to stand by your side no matter what fucking happens. No matter what difficulty, no matter how long, I would be there for you. I would always love you. I would always appreciate everything that you are. And you want to throw that away. You’re willing to let go of something that most people never even find in the first place, and for what? I would wait for you Payton. And not because of some promise, but because I know you’re good for me and there could be something amazing one day. Don’t throw this away. Don’t give up everything that could be. I am willing to do whatever it is you need. Time, space, the ability to be with other people, focusing on other things. I don’t care. But I can’t pretend that I don’t love you. I’m not the kind of person to deny what I want. I’m not even asking you for a relationship, or any kind of promise. All I’ve ever asked is that you meet me halfway. Let me care for you. Let me stand by your side. Do whatever you feel you need to do but don’t just throw all of this away because you think it might not work out. Because I believe one day you’re going to want me there. You’re going to be glad you have somebody who loves you with every fiber of their being, who won’t leave no matter how hard things get. Somebody to call home. Because you’ll regret walking away Payton. I’m sorry for making assumptions Payton, I know only you truly know yourself, but I really believe you’d regret it. I don’t know if you would tomorrow, or the next day, or in months to come. But one day you’ll be with all these various people. You’ll be in school or your career. And you’ll realize it’s all well and good but you’re going to want somebody to be there. You’re going to want something more. I don’t know what day it will be but I’ll bet you every dollar I’ll ever earn that you’d be glad you asked me to stay. That you didn’t push me away or burn every bridge. I am in love with you a chuisle. And to be even more cheesy, I’m not in the business of denying myself the simpler pleasures of existing.. I never get the comfort of what tomorrow might hold for me. But I love you more than words will ever express in this particular moment. And in the interest of never knowing when my bus is coming, I’m not going to lie about that or try and bury it when just the simple act of loving you brings me so much peace. Even a couple nights ago, when you weren’t with me. I knew you were going to be with other people, I knew it was going to be a long time before I saw you, I knew there’s still no guarantee of anything in the future. But I loved you. And you loved me. And you know.. To me that’s enough. I don’t care if this isn’t what you need right now. I don’t care that there is NEVER a guarantee in this life. Not about anything. You don’t get to take a single god damn breath for granted. But please don’t throw this away. Don’t destroy what could be, just because it might not be. Just.. Let it be. 

Life is an eternally odd affair. I’m not AS happy as I was the last couple days, but I’m still doing fairly well. I was doing really great earlier. I think the reality of everything is really setting in now. I still do believe that she’ll come back, in due time. In a lot of ways she hasn’t really left. And there is not a single doubt in my mind it’s more than worth waiting. That’s not even an issue. But it is true that it’s not necessarily gonna be sunshine and rainbows. Adjusting to all of this is still.. Well, it’s still work. And it’s not easy. By nature I’m fiercely possessive and insecure and easily jealous, and this is quite a long stretch for me. It’s certainly nothing I’ve dealt with before. It’s all very new. So I mean.. Well it’s hard to explain what I’m really feeling. I’m happy, because she’s happy and I believe we do have some sort of future. But it’s still hard, because I know in the meantime on the way to any potential future, I am going to be acutely aware of her being with other people and such. It’s getting easier. But that more means it’s getting bearable. It’s still not exactly a pleasant thing :P But like I said, I am happy she’s doing what she feels she needs to do right now and that she’s enjoying life. And I do understand it, even if I don’t feel the same way. I mean it makes sense to not want to completely just settle down and close yourself off to those potential experiences when you’re still that young. I’m still that young honestly, and I’m really not sure why I don’t feel the need for any of that. I know logically, my thought pattern is the one that is more abnormal. It’s weird to think about though, because I do wonder from time to time why I don’t feel that sort of thing. Is it a biological thing? Is there just something in my make up that makes me more content with the idea of commitment and such? Maybe that natural sense of wanderlust just isn’t as strong with me? I do know I always have been rather familiar with patterns and security. A lot of people get bored, but to me I don’t necessarily mind it. It’s complicated though, because I do and I also don’t. In a lot of ways I do like change. I love the idea of travelling, seeing new places and meeting new people, all of that sort of thing. But at the same time, I’ve spent months just hanging out at the garage, which could be seen as a relatively monotonous thing. I’m sure to a lot pf people it would be. But I was more than happy. Maybe it’s just my perspective on it… To me, everything changes every day. Even the people you know, they’re new people every time you see them. They’ve had new thoughts, new experiences. They may not be drastic but they are there. Each day, even doing the “same” thing, a great deal changes. In a big picture sense, I spent every day at the garage. But looking at the details, it was different every time. The look of the garage changed. The weather. The atmosphere of the group as a whole as well as the people individually. There were always new things to talk about, something new to do or to try. Even in the garage, nothing was ever really the same from one day to the next. It’s true that visiting another country would probably be a far bigger change, but at the end of the day everything is constantly changing, regardless of their magnitude. I guess there’s really no proper way to describe what I feel, because that in of itself changes every second, as I think of some new way to look at it, or some new event or stimulus changes and affects previous views, or even is used to create another entirely new view. I don’t know why, but I guess when I’m happy with what currently is, I don’t care to drastically change it. Change comes regardless anyways. Somehow just going along with things as they happen, I’ve had a huge amount of interesting experiences in my life already. Anyways now I’m just ranting. Back to the point, these coming months aren’t going to be easy. Some days will be amazing I’m certain, but some nights I’ll feel consumed by doubt and all the rest of my demons. It will be worth it, but it won’t be easy. At least there are things I can take away from it though. It’ll be a good chance to work on my insecurities and my jealousy. It’ll be a good chance to focus on any other aspects of my life that need improvement. And if at the end of it all, we do still truly love each other and want the other in our lives, then we know two things. One, is that we know we have a very strong connection. The second, is that we know we can work through difficulties and still retain that connection. I’m just in a weird mix of optimism and realism right now. I’m trying to face what it is, and steel myself for it, but I’m also very hopeful for the future. I think in the end we’ll still both be here, after all of this. Alright, well I’ve done enough ranting. Time to stop heh. Peace.